Overheard on Twitter

by Jamison Koehler on June 2, 2014

@lisawade:  I bought three bottles of booze at the liquor store tonight and the cashier asked me: “To go?”

@greatfox44: I am the second best boxer in my neighborhood.  I always finish second in every fight.

@book_krazy: I bought my Twitter Crush a St. Bernard because my head barley fits through the doggy-door he has now.

@Will___Farrell: So I’ve been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop, how cool is that for someone her age

@vanmanSF: Saw my wife’s profile on Christian Mingle, not sure how I feel about this, she’s not religious.

@Popehat: I like to terrify children at Halloween by telling them I’m dressed as what they’re going to look like in 35 years.

@Gingeratlaw: I’m never more gripped with fear than when I think it is Casual Friday at work and I’m the only one in a Speedo, top hat, and monocle

@Moi_RaRa: It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself to women.

@Professor_Ryan: I bet there is one really lonely and wealthy Nigerian Prince out there that just can’t figure out why no one will help him.

@Home_Halfway: “Thunder only happens when it’s raining” – Stevie Nicks, uneducated meteorologist

@Just_Greig: My 3 year old daughter sells me cuddles for sweets, I don’t like where her career path is heading.

@Grind_n_Roll: Remorse? I’ve never even morsed.

@magsaidwhat: In the new version of Star Wars, Harrison Ford slowly flies the Millenium Falcon in the left lane with the turn signal on

@magsaidwhat: What kind of drugs do I want? The kind that made Jethro Tull say,”you know what this song needs? A 15 minute flute solo.”

@williamader: Twitter is basically Cheers, with a hundred million Cliff Clavins.

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