Overheard on Twitter

by Jamison Koehler on April 29, 2011


Went outside to find white paper bags with candles lining both sides of my street.  Called homeland security.  Landing strip for Al-Qaeda?


Overheard at Superior Court – Attorney:  When was the last time you used drugs?  Client:  What time is it?


A guy just spent our entire flight studying the airline safety card.  Frankly, he seemed a bit disappointed when we landed without incident.


Meanwhile, there’s no sign of my own invitation to the Royal Wedding.  That’s what comes of moving so often.

Apparently, air traffic controllers are now a bigger threat to US aircraft than we are.

Gaddafi:  “The Libyan people are Libya’s air defense.”  Not sure what he has in mind, but it may involve enormous catapults.

Not saying money is tight, but checked baggage fees have stopped more of our bomb plots than the TSA.

Sorry I haven’t tweeted lately.  Been busy drugging and arming Libyans.

Fat man wearing red flew overhead in sleigh drawn by huge goats.  Ayman thinks it may be a new kind of American drone.  Worrying.


Snubbed on a royal wedding.  Again.


Unsolicited advice:  Don’t sign emails to your wife with your (three) initials.  She may think it is obnoxious.


I’ve been in Chicago too long and just had a bad morning because I just told a crippled woman to shut up.  And I meant it.


Oh. And when you bring your girlfriend, make sure she changes out of her pajama pants before court.

Oh, you’re running a little late for federal court?  Sure, sure, I’ll let the judge know.  I’m sure he won’t mind a bit.


I’m really good at not paying my bills.  They all say “OUTSTANDING!”

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, “You’re next.”  …So I started doing the same shit to them at funerals!

I really want to stomp past a crowd of midgets screaming “Fee, Fie, Foe, Fum”

Just saw two homeless people making out.  Was going to yell “get a room!” but stopped myself just in time.

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