Marcus L. Schantz@SchantzLaw: You can tell your relative age by the commercials shown during your TV shows. For me it’s reverse mortgages and catheters. Guess I’m 70-ish.
Steve@SternoShots: I’m more of a sandwich hobbyist.
KellyPhillipsErb@taxgirl: When my kids are commenting on how badly your kids are behaving, you should worry. A lot.
SweetD@whtedaisy: The awkward moment when a crazy abductor is incarcerated in Cleveland and you realize you haven’t heard from your twitter crush in awhile.
ScottGreenfield@ScottGreenfield: This –> What do we want? Time travel! When do we want it? Irrelevant.
JustBill@WilliamAder: My doctor never, ever, mentions my weight. That topic is like the elephant in the room. Wait.
StacIE@envyinohio: I shot someone with a paintball just to watch them dye.
Jennifer@runawaycupcake: It’s important to feed your pets organic food to offset all their eating of dog shit and dead birds.
Ashley@ashleycrem: Its national grammer day? Good. Missused grammer is something that effects me deeply.
Otto Porter Facts@OttoPorterFacts: Morgan Freeman once asked Otto Porter to narrate his biography.
Scenile@Scenile: I keep gaining followers who don’t exist. Kind of a switcheroo on God.
William K. Wolfrum@Wolfrum: Bill Clinton couldn’t keep a blowjob in the Oval Office a secret. But the Moon Landing, 9/11 & Sandy Hook all went off without a hitch.
Matt@mister_limey: It says a lot about the US that when a man in a costume with a gun kills people, they ban costumes.
GeorgeWallace@foolintheforest: Going to court: it’s what lawyers do. Guess I’ll do some of that.
Popehat@Popehat: When I email my secretary to ask how things are at the office, and she responds “Fine!”, the exclamation point makes me nervous, concerned.
Marcello Morello@TequilaTears: The DUI test should be, If they play Journey ,”Don’t Stop Believing” and you shout the words out-loud… you’re legally drunk.
NathanBurney@NathanBurney: When your wife asks if you’d get married again if she died, “God, no!” is surprisingly not the correct answer.
Shaun Jamison@shaunjamison: Apparently I should have been supervising my child more closely at the silent auction.
Steve@SternoShots: My wife told me that I should “tone it down” on FB. Thankfully she’s not on twitter.
NancyMyrland@NancyMyrland: Guy walks in to a dr’s office: “Dr., I think I’m addicted to Twitter.” Doctor: “I’m sorry, I don’t follow you.”
Da Blurb@byronblurb: If you read between the lines you’re missing the words. Just look up or down a little. There ya go. Now you’re reading the lines themselves.